All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
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Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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