remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
