drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
