If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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