I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
