Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
