just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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