We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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