His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
