9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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