guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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