Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
