What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
