why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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