If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
