I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Randomize
