dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
