i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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