Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
