i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
