Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
