my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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