I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
