if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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