i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My feet surprised me
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