Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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