Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
