I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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