On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
