The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I will be naked everywhere
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
