I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
