ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
