No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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