Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
