One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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