We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
