I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
