His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
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Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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