a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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