I accidentally burped into my bong.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
