I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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