That's intense
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
