as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
