how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
