Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
