Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
