I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
