there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
