Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize