I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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