my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
