so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
So much rum. So many feels.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
