R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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