i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
