so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
