Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
