you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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